When I first arrived on twitter.com, I had no idea who I was. I had a life-changing revelation a year earlier, which broke me out of my suicidal depression and the overwhelming cynicism and misanthropy that accompanied it (I wrote about that moment here last year), but breaking free of those shackles also left me somewhat of a blank slate to be imprinted on.
My guiding lights at the time was the writing and twitter presence of @bobduh, who caught my attention with his Yurikuma Arashi posts and has held it to this day, and who laid out my basic idea of what being a good person is; as well as my best friend, the first queer person I ever met, who showed me that it was possible to be different and happy at all.
So when I joined twitter in mid-2016, eager to converse with my blogging idols and imitate their anime livetweeting, this had added up to two things: I wasn’t all that comfortable with trying to be masculine anymore, and everything right-wing was starting to look pretty damn inhumane. It wasn’t until I became a part of the community here that the Maddie you know was born; I didn’t consider myself a girl until I started talking to other trans-girls and finding out how much their experiences overlapped with mine. I wasn’t a socialist until I learned of all the injustice out there. I.. well, I did watch anime before then, but I wasn’t as deep into it then as I am now; I can count the shows I finished in 2016 on my fingers.
So what has Twitter been for me? Honestly it’s been a whole lot. It’s been my home. It’s the first place I ever felt completely free to be who I wanted to. It’s where I learned to love. It’s where I learned to care about people. And, for the first time, I found a community which showed passion for the person I was, rather than who I could be with some heavy tweaking. In the two years since, I’m happier with the home and family I built than ever. I’m proud of my work here, both in entertaining people with anime tweets and being an outspoken and public advocate for trans-rights and other progressive issues. I still deal with depression, and it makes life hard sometimes, but I’m a happier person than ever.
So when I learned today that @Ima_ga_saikou and everything I had done there was out of my life forever, I was kinda stunned. My crime was complaining a bit too aggressively about people who want to literally erase me from existence, and as punishment they took my work, my audience, and my home from me. I still feel a bit numb from it. I cleaned out my livetweet archive, removing all the defunct links. It feels pretty barren there now.
But this is not an ending. I’m not interested in turning back time, in mourning or regret. “Ima ga Saikou”, this Moment is the Greatest, has been my handle for all this time, and as I move forward, I will try my best to see the good I had on this account that made me who I am instead of dwelling on what is gone. Yes, I need to start a lot of things from scratch again, but I am a phoenix. They couldn’t kill me if they tried, and I will burn wiser and brighter than before. Today has been sad for me, but I am defiant by nature. And my fire is raging tonight.